Why I Am Choosing The Life Of A Digital Nomad.
Four Walls…
Below are words that I hope inspire you to run towards yourself and help you see a bit deeper into my soul and through my eyes.
My biggest wound is never feeling like I belong. Abandoned…alone, unwanted. My entire life I have lived out of a suitcase dreaming of how it would feel to have all of my belongings in one place. To have a suitcase that was only taken out for holiday, or a structure governed by my family that felt consistent or safe.
Instead, I was a savage. Rebellious by blood and ruthless by nurture. I was forced to grow up at a very young age. My entire life has been spent searching for stability. Moving from state to state, country to country. Each place with new people, jobs, toxic relationships, goals, ambitions, homes… each place with a new hatred for myself and my body, my brain. Empty…
I worked blood and bone in an attempt to prove my worthiness. Worthiness to be loved, to be welcomed… Trying to understand what home really felt like. I hated living in my body. I drank insane amounts of alcohol and took insane amounts of drugs to connect with people, things, ideas, identities… that were not mine. Just trying to fit in when I never really knew who I actually was.
Eventually, each place would fail. Jobs would end, toxic relationships would blow up, my goals would change, ambitions hushed by the opinions of the people around me, and a new hatred towards myself would form… why… why me?… The answer feels simple now… I could never turn towards myself. The answer was to always run away. I was collecting traumas because, as a damaged rebellious woman, that’s what I was expected to do. So I intentionally met people and did things that would harm me… I would give myself away, people-pleasing and over extending until the self-sabotage kicked in… Stability for me meant starting over. The only way I could feel good again. Pack the bag… the cycle repeats.
In my 26 years of living I have never been able to understand my root issue. Running away was a band-aid solution to a deeper-rooted problem. A problem that was created in the womb of my mother. Ever since I touched down on planet earth I couldn’t sit still. The movement acted as a quick fix to distract the fact that I did not feel worthy of love, of belonging. I couldn’t understand why every home I had ever made kept being stripped away from me.
Now I know… I am my home. I am my stability. I am my consistent safe structure. Easily said in a couple of sentences, cliche and fucking dumb… yet on this journey I’ve shattered my mind, body, and soul. The game now is to pick them up and unify them in a way that serves this period of my life. Knowing damn well I don’t have to shatter them to evolve.
Here I am. Standing in my shit. Living out of a suitcase in Portugal, with 1 week until I have to move to the next location. But this time I move with pride. I move with excitement. I move with discipline… because four walls will never be able to look me in the eyes and tell me I am worthy. Four walls will never hold me at night and tell me I deserve better. Four walls will never slap me across the face and tell me I AM home.
I am home. Next phase? Embodying. Changing my tone of voice, my perspective… I live out of a suitcase! Quite frankly, I don’t want to settle down yet. There’s places I have to go, people I have to meet. Things I have to learn. Want to join me?
